‘Tis the season to buy that special someone a gift they’ll always remember. Unless you don’t have any money, of course.

Remember the days of “Tickle Me Elmo?” Anybody who wasn’t anybody was running around town like it was Y2K trying to get their hands on an over-sized stuffed animal that giggled every time you touched it. The only thing giggling louder than Elmo were the toy executives who signed off on the deal. But there are no problems finding “Tickle Me Elmo” this year. There’s not a problem finding anything, really. The rich kids are even taking a hit, since daddy sold his yacht and mom sure as hell isn’t taking a pay cut. There’s a smorgasbord of gift ideas this year. There’s also a terrible economy preventing any of those ideas from coming to fruition. Let’s take a look at what’s hot this Christmas, even though no one has any money to buy them:

5) iTunes 50 dollar Gift Card- $50

When was the last time you had fifty dollars? Probably around the same time as the last Winter Olympics. Fifty bucks is hard to come by. It’s even harder to justify a fifty dollar purchase when there’s gift cards in the 25 and 15 dollar variety sitting right next to it. Why go that extra mile? You’re buying a gift card, which in itself is already a lame gift. It defeats the purpose to go big with the 50 dollar model, when you’re already going small. That’s like taking a girl to a fancy dinner even though you didn’t want to date her in the first place. These are tough economic times…

4) Monopoly Premier’s Collective Edition- $129

When was the last time you had enough time to play Monopoly? If you’re one of the 10% of unemployed Americans, that answer is probably yesterday. Still, no matter how much time you may have, the game is something of a paradox. It has the loneliness that you would associate with a game like solitaire, but still requires you to know at least one other human being. It does make a great gift though. No one has any money so we’re all staying inside. You can either invest in pay-per-view movies or a game that features buying fake properties and passing go. Perfect if you get a high off getting out of jail for free and stealing other people’s assets (or if you’re an executive trading stocks).  The economy is this year’s buzz kill, so you might have to wait until next year to toke up on this holiday favorite.

3) Flip mini HD camcorder- $199

With the world spiraling further and further into a cryptic landscape of palm-held electronic devices, Flip is the latest device to catch everyone’s eye…and voice…and, well, you get the picture. It’s the size of a pack of cigarettes and just as addicting. The Flip can be be just as harmful as cancer sticks depending on who/what is being recorded.

If you had 200 bucks you could film all the night’s activities in stunning HD, with a device that fit in the back of your pocket. See a star in Hollywood–get out your Flip and record them flipping off some other guy recording them on their Flip. Upload to Facebook, Myspace, or Digg, and share with every social networker from Georgia to Georgia. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

2) Wii Fit- $99

It’s the newest rage in video games, and it’s perfect for people that want to exercise but still don’t want to move their extremities. Can’t afford a gym membership? You probably can’t afford a Wii, either. It’s a pretty crappy alternative to exercise equipment, but it has the word “fit” in it so it might be worth a shot. Enjoy playing on it while wearing a cut-off and drowning your ears in the latest tunes from Smashmouth and you won’t be able to tell the difference between actually working out. It’s the same device Mario and Luigi trained on for years, until Mario fell out of the game and Luigi got busted for HGH.

1) Amazon Kindle- $259

Look at you carrying your library of books like a complete imbecile. If you were smart you’d find a way to combine all those into a digital reader that fits in the palm of your hand (when you’re not shooting HD video, of course). If you had money, you could find that way. You can’t carry on a conversation without hearing about the newest device in electronic reading. What the floppy disk did to manilla folders is what The Amazon Kindle is doing to books. Kindle can fit over 1500 books, allows you to take notes, and is the perfect device to block the outside world from ever talking to you, be it on a train, plane, or just in your own home. Still not sold? That’s because no one has any money to buy it. Its screen features the feel of actual paper, but since you charge everything on a credit card, you probably don’t remember what paper feels like. It’s pretty cool. So I’ve heard…

I still say there is nothing shameful about carrying your books in a backpack; it looks stylish and shows that you have an adventurous, youthful side that women find attractive.

Unless they want a guy that has money.