Tiger Gives Himself a Snowman…
It’s the second Saturday in December. Politicians are making headway in Washington, D.C., Notre Dame just hired a new football coach, and I saw two guys working out at the gym wearing wool scarves.
What else do you need to know?
Oh, of course, you’re here for celebrity gossip…
Your Daily Drama for December 12, 2009.
Today is the day where I end my Tiger Woods boycott. It lasted roughly four days, and was one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life. But now I’ve come back to reality, and the fact of the matter is, Tigger is all over the gossip wires—I’m a patriot to the cause, there’s no way I’d be doing my job (I’m still unsure of what that is exactly) unless I reported the latest on the Wood’s family.
The latest bombshell was the announcement by Tiger himself that he was not playing golf for an “indefinite leave from golf.”
The announcement was even more shocking because the news came straight from the horse’s mouth, and wasn’t transcribed from a voice-mail from a mistress, or a note passed along to TMZ from some tranny.
In words only Tiger Wood’s could speak:
“I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children,” Woods said. “I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.”
That’s a fancy way of saying,” he went to Jared.”
Tiger would have to buy Israel and overtake the diamond trade to fix this one. Still, I remain confident, once Tiger gets his head straight, gets back on steroids, and steps onto the golf course, he’ll find himself back on the fairway in no time.
This is America. If you can hit a baseball 500 feet and a golf ball 400 yards, we’ll forgive you.
Catch 22: Tiger’s wife is from Sweden….
Continuing today’s theme of tools destroying their own family, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt went to court today, suing his nephews, apparently for tarnishing the family name.
“The junk (no pun intended, I’m sure) they publish hurts my reputation, which in turn hurts my revenue,” said Flynt in his testimony to a U.S. District court. The statement took fifteen minutes for Flynt to actually say, as he was coughing up a chicken bone throughout the testimony.
Flynt has every right to be worried about his image; he sells porn for a living, which is heavily dependent on the images they produce.
But his image hurting—I don’t think so. Look at Larry strolling along in his wheel chair, he’s still got it folks, he hasn’t lost a step…nor has he made one in over 25 years.
Today’s wrap-up concludes with Natalie Portman, as an assurance that there still remains something right in this world. I debated just posting four pictures of her, which surely would’ve been more productive than me saying anything, however, the following promotes her being in another film, so I feel like I’m doing my part for the cause.
Jane Austen’s classic book, Pride and Prejudice, is being adapted into a Zombie film. The adaptation, by Seth Grahame-Smith, takes Jane Austen’s classic and adds a new subplot in which the story takes place as the dead rise from the grave.
Wow, that sounds absolutely terrible.
Portman is in it, so all is well–it at least shouldn’t look terrible.
I’m on twitter, Natalie….
