Here’s my good deed for the day: I am going to be the only human being on this planet, a columnist no less, that doesn’t mention the name of the golfer caught up in the biggest public scandal since Slick Willy was in office.

You can call me a traitor, I don’t care, I’m not talking about the scandal anymore (at least until there’s nothing else to talk about). I’m hoping Lady Gaga says something stupid again…I’m feeling pretty confident.

Your Daily Drama for December 8, 2009.

If you can’t talk about golf, why not talk about something else just as classy? There’s nothing more classy than an MTV reality television show. The newest series to perpetuate stereotypes is entitled, Jersey Shore. Surely, this is a show that puts on display the area’s points of interest, like the Shore institute for Contemporary Art or The Church of The Presidents.

No, you say?

That would be a definite no. The show actually follows “locals” around the New Jersey shore area, and basically makes fun of them for a half hour (only a half hour?). Here’s some samples of the dialogue from the show:

“I’m ripped up like Rambo…I’m hot…Don’t be a hater…”

Whoops…sorry, those were just my latest tweets.

Here’s some of the real dialogue:

“Excuse me, fellow Guido, how do you feel about the homogenization of our culture into a class of individuals lacking grace and mental dexterity?”

Friend responds, all while putting hair gel on bald head, “I’m unmistakably concerned, to be blunt. If our image isn’t rectified, surely our breed will be nullified as a classless group of individuals comprised of buffoons and narcissistic imbeciles.”

Tune in to next week’s episode, where the families get together for a fireside chat, discussing Neo-classical literature, and it’s correspondence to the Industrial Revolution.

Our next story is about Tiger Wood’s 7^th mistres–oh wait, I forgot I’m not talking about him.

What I meant to discuss is whether or not Tiger was intoxicated while driving his–oops, sorry again.

Let’s try this one more time…

Finally, we get to figure out what Rachel Uchitel thinks of her boy Tiger, poop! How the hell am I supposed to write a gossip column without talking about Tiger Woods!? Where the hell is Lady Gaga when I need her?

Wait, when man-kind needs a glimmer of hope where do we turn? How about Shakira?

Andrew Macpherson

Why not.

I’ll end the gossip on a good note today. I know it’s a little out of character to be positive but I need some sanity, and just kind-of-want to talk about a hot girl, especially after the Jersey Shore story.

Shakira spoke at Oxford University yesterday in an effort to promote education around the world. Her efforts are certainly ambitious; maybe she should start with New Jersey and work her way west.

“That is how I want the youth of 2060 to see us: That our mission for global peace consisted of sending 30,000 educators to Afghanistan, not 30,000 soldiers…That in 2010, world education became more important than world domination.”

Shakira can dominate my world if she likes. Maybe her kids in 2060 can be my kids, too?

In all seriousness, I applaud her for using her international voice to do something positive. I’m still not sure about her singing voice, but at least she’s working to have a positive influence on the World. Good for her.

How you doin…