Happy Almost Thanksgiving, everyone. I was thankful for the 20+ messages that flooded my inbox after making my first online dating profile. But once I started to actually read them, I was thankful I’d never meet most of these dudes in person.  Deciding to be completely honest in your profile is apparently “very refreshing,” to some, and “yo, u difrint girl” to others. Many of the guys responded to “That’s all the bad stuff about me. Still want to hear the good?” with a simple “Yes.” Here’s a smattering of what’s currently in my inbox:

“hey wassup!. anyways not even sure if im your type of guy. but thought id give it a shot. i saw your picture and thought you looked nice and friendly. well, hopefully id hear from you, maybe just to chill! it doesnt even have to be a date or anything. just to chill and have fun. “

Oh, okay. As long as it’s not a date…….

“i was browsing through your profile and i am drawn to it. can’t put my finger on it yet couldn’t pass without saying hi either. maybe it’s still too early and i am on my first cup of coffee”

So you’re only interested because you’re half asleep? As in, “for some reason I find you appealing. I don’t know why, but I do. It’s a mystery. You should feel lucky.”

“It would be nice to met someone who has similar qualities as I posses: great energy, a positive outlook, classy and smart, adventurous with great imagination and takes care of themselves, maybe you can relate to some of them?

You seem like a person who would be nice to know. I’m Italian and always respectful to one’s feeling’s, need’s/want’s.

I have long hair, but don’t let that deceive you. I might look like a hand full and the type you wouldn’t bring home to mom, but really I’m a normal guy.”

Okay, you’ve used three apostrophes incorrectly. I need/want/feel like I want to date someone with a strong grasp on the English language. NEXT.

“I woke up this morning and thought “I’d love to meet a beautiful and intuitive woman with a wonderful smile and monster eye brows who wouldn’t mind a glass of wine with a dynamic and optimistic spirit…” Wouldn’t you know it? That’s when I saw your profile!”

Sidenote – I also mentioned in my profile that I have very thick eyebrows. Which I do. This response walks a fine line between sort-of-romantic and Cheese City. If the guy was moderately attractive it might have worked. Alas, Rod Stewart haircuts really don’t do it for me.

“I jus got my new place and i get really bored, its notthing to do around here. I really could use some good company, I not here to find a new mom for my son’s. I’m a Real MAN that can Appreciate someone jus for who they are………lmao I can keep it real I do get lonely, so its time to try new things like this online shit………….lol”

Wow. Um. “I not here to find a new mom for my son’s.” Well, I not here to date a caveman. Lol, indeed.

Oy. Round one doesn’t look very promising. Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I just can’t take someone seriously if they don’t know how to spell “nothing.” Or use apostrophes properly. If you can’t articulate yourself at a third grade writing level, it’s hard to believe you’ll be able to communicate well in the relationship.  Or make conversation. Wow. I guess I’m looking for someone with a brain, huh? Apparently you need to specify that…

Happy hunting this Thanksgiving! (and I don’t mean for turkeys)